I never intended it to ever turn out this way. Never in a million years would I have thought that this was going to happen. It wasn't supposed to. I swear!

I thought it was going to be easy. After all, we were only just barely friends. The only reason I really knew of him was because he was my neighbor, and was two years younger than me. Last summer, I drove him home from drivers education a few mornings. We would talk a bit. Actually, he did most of the talking. We mostly talked about cars, as he worked on them frequently with his grandfather. He told me that there were a bunch of cars in the creek by his house and he wants to someday get them up and out and work on them a bit. It was truely interesting, and I would ask more questions, and he would happily answer. Those ten or so minutes that we spent together were nice, simply put.

School started. I was starting my Junior year, and he was starting his Freshman year in High School. I began to think about Prom and who I was going to take already, and I can guarantee that I was not the only girl already thinking about it. For some reason, he kept on making his way up on the list of who to ask. The thing was, though, I had this strange philosophy that it was tacky for a Junior to take a Freshman to Prom.

When Homecoming came around, I had a small idea in the back of my head to ask him for his jersey to wear on the day of the game. I quickly shoved that away. I had other, more important things to think about.

The one who had already promised his heart to me, lets name him---Allen decided to bring his girlfriend to the homecoming game. He had gone off and gotten himself a girlfriend really without warning. That absolutely killed me. I went into a depression, one that didn't go away until fairly recently, as a matter of fact. I was sad and frustrated all of the time, trying as hard as I could not to let my family see the huge amount of pain that I was constantly trying to cope with. The neighbor boy was shoved to the back of my mind, along with many things that should not have been put back.

Eventually, I came to terms with Allen. It took me a while to "get over" Allen, but I was able to eventually. I did not like or love him or whatever anymore. We ended up having a falling-out, in a way. Because of the feelings left behind, we no longer could find ourselves to be around each other. That also hurt me. I lost my best friend over something that now seems silly and ridiculous in hindsight. It wasn't until a few months ago that we started being comfortable around each other again. Finally, we were friends again.

This did not, however, solve my prom problem. It was the new year, and prom season had officially begun. Prom meetings were to be held during homeroom every Friday. I volunteered to be on Prom committee. So, naturally, prom was always on my mind. It took several attempts for me to ask Allen to Prom, as friends, of course (I had to remind myself constantly that it was only as friends...the feelings from a while back ago would relapse every once and a while). I finally did ask him, but he said no, only because he isn't into dances and other things like that.

To be honest, I was not surprised, nor was I disappointed. This was because I was finally able to ask someone that I actually wanted to take to Prom. Not that I didn't want to take Allen or anything, but because I thought that I would have a bit more fun with the other one than Allen.

It took me the better part of a month to finally ask him. I was all nervous, even though I had absolutely no reason to be. It was only as friends, of course. Then it took him the better part of a month to reply. I was so excited! I had a Prom date! Yay!

That is when it all officially began.

I got the dress, and he got his tux the day before Prom (typical). I bought his boutonniere and I had ordered myself a corsage, but he had already ordered me one. I quickly and quietly cancelled my corsage order and just stuck with his boutonniere.

When Prom arrived, I was absolutely estatic. Finally, it was here! We did the march together, with him helping me down the stairs, all the while arm in arm. We smiled at people we knew, and smiled awkwardly at those we didn't know. Our families took pictures with us afterwards, and soon we were on our way to Bev's On the River, the dinner/dance location in a limo along with several Senior friends. When we reached Bev's about twenty minutes later, we arrived, and arm in arm we went inside. The photographer made us to a "couple" shot--hand-in-hand with his arm around my waist, which was, I will admit, slightly awkward, as we were not a couple.

After taking pictures, we went and sat at our table. Our table was the first to go through the buffet line, and he, being the absolute gentleman that he was, took my plate back to our table so I could carry my dress and not trip on it.

During dinner, we talked and laughed and joked. We talked about Prom for next year, and I said that if I didn't have a boyfriend by next year, I would ask him again. He said that he guessed that he would be attending Prom again next year, then. We all burst out laughing. He, of course, was quite embarassed. But still, I was completely touched. At least I know that I will have a Prom date next year.

When the music finally started, we slowly made our way to the dance floor along with the others. He didn't dance much, as he claims that he doesn't know how to dance. I would beg to differ. When the first slow dance arose, I asked for only one dance, and he obliged.

Well, that one dance turned into many. I would come up with an excuse to dance with him every time one came on, the most popular one being, "Please? I love this song!" Of course, he would oblige.

About half way through the dance, I began to feel strange. I was finding myself praying that the slow songs wouldn't end. Being so close to him as we spun in circles on the dance floor was absolutely the most amazing thing ever.

Despite all of the happiness, I had to constantly remind myself--He has a girlfriend.

When the last song came on, I could not resist putting my head on his shoulder as we danced. My eyes could not stay open. Wait, did he just put his head on mine? And was it me, or did he just pull me a little closer?

Unfortunately, the song ended. It was time for us to change for after-prom. Unwillingly, I let go of him, and together we went out of the ballroom and changed. In the bathroom, I could not help but feel extremely elated and extremely sad. I was falling in love with him, and he was already taken.

We spent the time at the Long Lines Family Rec. Center together. I watched him as he went on the mechanical bull, climbed the rock wall, and competed in the javeline game. I watched him intently. That night, I was the bystander, watching everything he did, every move he made.

Ever since that night, it has only gotten worse. Those feelings I have felt that night have grown stronger. At school, I would talk to him whenever I could. A day when I didn't talk to him felt like a day wasted. I became, in a non-creepy way, slightly--obsessed.

Then I found out that he had applied for a scholarship to be a forgien exchange student in Russia for a semester next year. The battle between my Heart and my Head had never been as bad as this before. I wanted him to go only because he really, really, really wanted to go. I didn't want him to go because I didn't want to leave me. In the end, he did not get the scholarship. I was extremely relieved, and also sad because he was sad. Ultimately, though, I was relieved.

The past few weeks, I have been talking to him, allowing our friendship to grow. The feelings are still growing, and the complication and emotions are settling in nicely. We both tried out together for next years musical, "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown." He tried out for Charlie Brown, and I tried out for any part. He did get Charlie Brown, and I got Peppermint Patty. His girlfriend got Sally. The directors made a double-cast because so many good people tried out, and each group will perform on matinee and one night showing. I am hoping that I am in the same production of "Charlie Brown" as he is, and she is in a different one.

Now, is it bad that I wish this? Is it bad that I want some quality time with him, without worrying about his girlfriend watching us? Besides, it's not like I'm going to try to turn him against her. I just want to be able to be with him and not worry. My ultimate goal is to allow our friendship to grow. A mini-goal is to try to allow him to turn to me. However, I do not want anything sour to come out of this. I don't want him to break up with her, necessarily. I just want him to want to be with me instead. I will not be happy, but I will most definitely be content with life if we never do "go out". Besides, there are millions of men out there, and one of them will find their way to me and fall head over heels with me. If it's not him, then it just means that it is not him, and I have absolutely no control over that. What I do have control over, however, is my friendship with him, so I will only control what I can, and allow life to control everything else.

This summer, I am going to try to hang out with him as often as I can, without being annoying or obviously in love with him. What I ultimately want to happen is that our friendship will grow. What else happens beyond that is not under my control.

Does he know, however, how much it hurts me to watch him be loved by someone that is not me? Does he know how much it kills me to watch him love another?

Probably not.

I love how complicated life is.

[I am sick of always being the quiet and awkward bystander. SICK OF IT. When will I ever be more than just the quiet observer, the bystander?]

REALITY makes FOOLS of us all

~ ~ ~

The Heart is blind;

It does not see Reality.

Love is deaf;

It does not listen to Reason.

The Heart is weak;

It is easily Broken.

Love is reckless;

It knows no Boundaries.

Yet our only life's purpose is to

Follow your Heart and it will lead you to

Love.

~ ~ ~